You turn 30 today. It’s hard to believe that my youngest child, my baby girl is 30! But even harder is this is your 5th birthday, that this world and my life is void of your laugh, your voice, your amazing eyes and those dimples and your unbelievable spirit and joy.
So much life and joy has happened these last five years without you here. Babies, babies, babies! We have been blessed with more grandchildren and your niece and nephews! They all carry names to honor you, Fischer and Benjamin. Eli Fischer, Marshall Benjamin and now Camryn Elizabeth. Marshall has your dark hair and your blue eyes and has a love affair with everyone he meets.
Eli is so much like Fischer…..free spirited and he makes me laugh at the world again which is an amazing gift I am thankful for. You should see the eye rolls he does because he know it cracks everyone up!
And then this month, on the 17th, we welcomed a baby girl……Camryn Elizabeth. She too, has dark hair and is just so precious. We all look forward to watching her grow.
Your precious Ava has changed dramatically during these past 5 years, she turns 10 in a couple of weeks. She is growing into an amazing young woman.
Time flies and then yet it doesn’t in this time of life without you.
To celebrate your 30th, your family gathered yesterday to have a meal together, at your favorite places. Top Notch for those cheeseburgers and onion rings and then went to Amy’s ice cream, where Eli had so much fun playing on the playground he didn’t want to leave.
You and God have taught me so much over these last 5 years. And like so many painful things we go through in life, you can either use those moments to change or remain the same. So, I chose to let your death in the hands of the Almighty potter, mold me and hopefully make into a better person than I ever hoped to be. I try to love harder, to be more intentional, and even though my physical eye vision is worse I now see things and people through my spiritual eyes like never before. And all the while always remembering that we are not promised tomorrow.
Days like today, the pangs of grief, of our separation and of missing you are hard to escape. As a mom, your children’s birthday’s are significant. It is the experience of giving birth you never forget and so, this day brings to the surface your life and death and a reminder of my loss. But I have also learned that it is these pangs of physical separation that also drive my immense moments of joy and it is this time “in between” that I have become more proficient at living. It is a strange dichotomy for sure this life of joy and grief.
So, I will go visit the earthly place that honors you and lay your birthday wreath.
I will be nice to myself today…..and rest in the hope of heaven and our reunion one day.
Until then, this momma loves you, misses you EVERY single day…..and longs for your hug and your voice to say: “Mamacita!” like you use to do. Until that glorious day, I will hold you and our love in my heart….always.
I love you, my Elizabeth….to God and back.